8 Tips to Prepare for Crucial Conversations

Are you gearing up for those heart-to-hearts with your parents about the future?

While not the easiest task, trust me, it’s worth it. Let’s navigate these crucial conversations together, and I’ll share some tips to make them smoother. Together, we’ve got this.

1. Why It Matters

First, let’s discuss why this is such a big deal. Planning for the future isn’t just about ticking off boxes; it’s about making sure you and your parents know the options available in the sometimes difficult-to-navigate world of aging. These open conversations allow you to make choices together so everyone is happy with the decisions. No one wants to make these life-changing decisions in a crisis or desperation. Diving into these talks is like giving everyone peace of mind.

2. Addressing Emotions

It’s normal to expect a range of emotions in these conversations. Acknowledge vulnerability, both yours and your parents’. Reassure them of your love and intent to listen without judgment. Express that these conversations aim to plan for the family’s future, relieving unnecessary stress about what will happen to them as they get older.. Remember, it’s a dialogue, not a monologue.

3. Getting Real About Feelings

Okay, these conversations can get emotional. It’s normal. Your parents might feel vulnerable, and you might too. This is OK!  Acknowledge those emotions both to yourself and to your loved ones. Let them know you come from a place of love and are here to listen, not judge. Assure them you want to have these conversations to plan together for the family’s future. You want to relieve them of unneeded stress about what will happen to them as they get older. And remember, it’s a two-way street. You’re not just talking at them; you’re talking with them.

With another perspective, get your thoughts together about what you can and can’t do realistically regarding your parent’s future. Talk to the people who share your life, whether it’s your partner, spouse, or children.  What part will you all play in your parents’ future?  Is there room for them to move in? Would you relocate or be willing to have them relocate? Are you financially prepared? Also, talk to other family members, siblings, adult grandchildren, etc. What are their expectations of their roles in your parent’s future? What are their feelings towards some of the questions above?  Would they like to join you in these conversations? The more everyone can be on the same page, the better you can go into this conversation with some realistic boundaries before the emotions begin.

4. Create a Comfortable Space

There are two rules of thought here. One is of surprise, and one, is planned. This will depend on your personality, parents, and relationship with the loved one. First is the “Slow-Pitch” Approach. This can begin with small talk, reminiscing, and warming up, and then you state, “Mom and Dad, I’d like to talk about your plans for the future.” (Doesn’t that sound like a conversation you had at the dinner table in your 20s 🙂). This may be a great way of letting your loved ones know that this is on your mind and that you want to schedule some time to get into the details.

With my parents, I used the “Succinct and Specific” Approach. I spoke with them up front and explained what I wanted to do.  It went something like this, “Mom, I would like us to start planning for the future and how you and Dad see things going. I don’t want to overwhelm us all, so I’d like to set up several times for us to sit down and talk about certain topics.  First, I’d like to discuss your medical history and get a list of all your current medications in case of an emergency.  How about you and Dad and I have coffee on Saturday morning at your house?”

I like this approach because it starts with a brief topic and specific questions.  It gives everyone time to think and prepare for the conversation. Also, starting with something factual and particularly non-threatening gets the ball rolling for the next topic and conversation.  This may not be the first topic you choose, but I advise you to pick one that works for your situation and isn’t  emotional.  There will be time for that; you will be a pro by then. 

5. Keep It Natural

Now, when the time comes for the conversation, no matter what approach you use. Do they usually come over to your house? Do you have a Zoom call with them weekly? Do you have a weekly lunch date? Or if you don’t see them often, do you spend certain holidays with them? Stick with familiar surroundings and activities. Try to have a non-distracting environment. Have a pen and paper or a laptop for notes. Put the kids before a movie or go to a quiet coffee shop and grab the table in the corner. Have a pen and paper or a laptop to record notes and information and create an environment where everyone feels at ease.

6. The Right Timing

Timing is everything, my friend. Make sure you’ve got enough time on your hands. You don’t want to be rushing through this. Schedule it when there’s no pressure, and you can chat without interruptions. And if using the “Soft-Pitch” Approach, don’t force it. If they’re not feeling up to it now, be patient.

7. Speaking from the Heart

Having these conversations is genuinely an act of love and respect for your loved ones. You are empowering your whole family to come together and plan for a future that is agreed upon, straightforward, and based on a good quality of life for everyone involved. However, though this is the intention, you are discussing sensitive things. It is wise to use “I” statements. For example, “Hey, this is how I feel,” instead of pointing fingers, being judgemental or accusatory. For example, say, “I worry about your well-being” rather than “You need to take better care of yourself.” It keeps things open and less aggressive.

8. Just Listen, Really Listen

Lastly, be a good listener. It’s not just about talking; it’s about hearing what they say. Be sensitive. Growing older means losing independence, possible significant changes, and mortality for many. Ask open-ended questions and let them share their thoughts. It’s not a one-way street – it’s a conversation. Take notes so you can reflect, and they can, too. It will bring clarity when you have a record to review with them as you discuss details and make plans.

These talks might not be a walk in the park, but they’re a necessary part of being there for your parents. Think of it as an opportunity to show love, support, and, most importantly, to honor their wishes. 

Remember, I’m here to help you along the way. We've got this.